


Black Hole

by willowtreeandme



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marauders - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 01:48:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29618730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowtreeandme/pseuds/willowtreeandme
Summary: The story of LJ Blackhttps://youtu.be/xJo_5NX0DH8
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans, Regulus Black/OC, Remus Lupin/OC, Sirius Black/Sister
Kudos: 1
Collections: Marauder Era





	1. "Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes"

_Ministry of Magic Interrogation Room #12, November 1st, 1982, 4:03 A.M._

A young woman sat across from two middle aged men in a small, darkly lit room. Her clothing was not exactly fit for interrogation, let alone for the Ministry of _fucking_ Magic. She wore a pink tutu around her waist, sparkling tinsel in her hair, and large fairy wings attached by straps to her shoulders and back. What a sight it was.

The woman had tears streaming down her pale face. She never cried; you see. Especially not in front of two large men of high power that she did not know. _But_ , her life had just practically fallen apart only hours before, so some slack shall be cut indeed.

She was cuffed, but not because she was suspected of any crime. She was quite…aggressive when she heard the news. It was an odd sight for everyone present; a very, _very_ short young lady dressed in a Muggle fairy Halloween costume screaming like a maniac at everyone around her.

The two men looked at her expectantly, waiting for answers to their numerous questions.

She just stared at them, eyes unblinking in an oh-so eerie fashion. Her naturally grey eyes were even lighter whilst she cried.

She sniffled, looking from one man to the other. They were growing tired of her silence game; they wanted to be out celebrating like everyone else.

“Miss. Black,” the older of the two said, his greying mustache moving up and down in a humorous manner, “Please, we know you are grieving, but you must answer our questions. Did you or did you not know that your brother, Sirius Orion Black, was secretly working against the Order?”

She began to laugh. She cackled at their faces, then tilted her head back, long dark locks falling down her back between the mesh and wire wings, laughing manically at the ceiling.

The two men looked at one another with exasperation lining their matching scowls.

After a moment, her sinister grin faded into a deep frown. She spoke for the first time in an hour and a half.

“My…my… baby brother is gone, and now my b-big brother is t-too.” She moved her head up right, meeting the two sets of dull eyes, “And _you’ve_ sent my other big br-brother away. My…my brother. Now…now they are all gone.”

“Miss. Black, did you know that your brother was working as a secret agent for he-who-must-not-be-named?”

“He wasn’t.”

“Miss. Black, he was. Did you or did you not know of his treason?”

“He wasn’t.”

The older man let out a long sigh and looked to the other with a look that spelled, _We aren’t getting anything out of this nutter of a woman._

“Where is Harry?” She asked for what seemed to be the thousandth time.

“He is where he needs to be.”

She cackled, no trace of humor. “No, he isn’t. You do know that I am his Godmother?”

“Yes, Miss. Black, we are aware-“

“So you do know he should be with me r-right now? You do know that when two parents _fucking_ die, their fuh-fucking kid goes to the Godparents?”

“Well obviously, Miss. Black,” the younger of the two said, “He will certainly not be gifted to both of his Godparents.”

She looked at him with the look she often gave to people she felt deserved immediate death.

“Under other circumstances,” the older wizard said, flashing a warning look to the younger, “Yes, he would go to you. However, we all have agreed that the safest place for the boy as of now is with his mother’s muggle relatives.”

“Dumbledore agreed to that?”

“It was his idea.”

_Fuck him fuck him fuck him fuck him fuck-_

“I want to go h-h-home now.”

Another look shared, and the younger man was guiding his wand over her restrained hands. She stood up so suddenly that the chair she had been sitting on toppled backwards, creating a loud bang.

She walked to the door and it opened for her. Sat on the floor outside the room waiting for her was a young man, around the same age as she. He looked up when she closed the door.

The young man was indeed crying, too, sporting red rimmed eyes and a snotty nose. His light brown hair was a mess, flying in all different directions. He sat curled in on himself leaning against the wall, arms clasped around the knees drawn to his heaving chest.

They stared at one another for a moment, before the young man stood and embraced the young woman.

“Let’s go home.” He whispered into the crook of her neck.

She said nothing.

And so her took her hand and led the pink fairy through the crowded Ministry, a sea of bright smiles and congratulations. When he apparated them to their flat, that’s when the screaming began up once again.

Usually words are formed through screams, but she had no words to give, and so she _screamed_ and _yelled_ and _screeched_ and _thrashed_ and _threw_ and _banged_ and eventually, she had no more screams, for her throat too hoarse, and no more thrashes, because her body too numb.

And so the young crying man scooped her small body into his long arms and carried her to their bed. He undressed her, pulling off the tutu and wings and on one of his own jumpers and sweatpants.

“I love you.” He whispered under the covers.

“I feel like I’m dying.” She whispered back.

***

_6 years earlier_

_Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, London, August 4th, 1976._

Lyra-Jade Cassiopeia Black was freshly sixteen the first time her big brother left her.

It was early August of 1976. In Britain, the days were long, the weather ideal, and lake water the perfect temperature for a lovely swim. In most Wizarding households during this time, excitement bloomed just as the Hydrangea’s did. Anticipation for the up and coming school year invaded the youths of Magical Britain’s minds, twisting its sweet and enchanting fingers into the young witches and wizards’ brains, whispering eager words of excitement sweetly into their small ears. Parents and children would flood into Diagon Alley, the parents holding on tighter than usual to their sweet children, knowing that soon, months will pass until they hear a child’s giggle or hug again their little spawns. The parents would buy their children everything the list they were sent by owl instructed them to, and perhaps, with a bit a coaxing, a bit more. On those August days, the average family, well, average in the Wizarding sense, would return to their respected homes. The brothers and sisters would buzz about a Potion’s assignment they were excited to complete this year, or a Quidditch game they simply cannot wait to view.

Their parents would look at their beloveds with warm smiles lining their lips.

Not scowls.

Brothers and sisters would stay together.

Not rip each other apart from the inside out.

In early August of 1976, Little Lyra-Jade Black, the middle child of the Black family, was in her room at Number Twelve Grimmauld Place in London. She sat on floor on her bedroom, near her door, her right ear stiff against it. She wore an elegant coal black dress made of sheer lace and soft velvet, with sleeves that ended in a pinch at the wrist and with a hem ending just below her kneecaps. Pearl-colored buttons made a line starting at the neck to the hem. The dress, black as midnight, was beautiful, luxurious. It synched modishly in at her too-thin waist. If Lyra-Jade were to be seen by her peers in this dress, picked out for her by her mother of course, jealousy would ping at their hearts. Which, of course, is just what her mother intended for when purchasing the dress. It was a sophisticated dress, one that held class.

Tears threatened to escape her big grey eyes, which were wide. Too wide, some would say. Bug-like, some would say.

But Lyra-Jade knew better than to let water pool out of her doe eyes and down her hollow cheeks. Especially in front of her younger brother Reggie, who in the moment, sat on her bed. Regulus Black, unlike his older sister, was brave enough to cry. He was brave enough to reveal his inner demons, even if only to a selected few. Tears ran down his cheeks as he stared at his big sister from his spot on her king-sized canopy bed with a deep royal green comforter. Like his sister, the youngest Black was still clad in his dinner clothes as he eyed the pale girl in front of him, nerves making his stomach twist and turn. They both sat still, listening and waiting. Waiting for what they always, deep down in their fears, knew would eventually come this summer. The summer that things shifted in the Black Household. The summer their big brother grew a set of balls and finally let their parents see the reason he was _oh-so-dreadfully_ placed into the Gryffindor house.

Lyra-Jade’s ear, pressed firmly to her door, was listening feverishly at the commotion taking place in their downstairs dining room. She could hear her mother shouting curses and threats, and unfortunately, her older brother stupidly returning the screams. However, she didn’t hear her father, oh no, during nights like these she never heard a word from her father. Orion Black just stood calmly and silently, watching his wife and eldest son go at one another’s throats like the wild dogs they both were deep down.

“Why would he say that?” Questioned the youngest Black. His hands fisted her green comforter on both sides of his legs, right leg bouncing _up_ and _down_ and _up_ and _down_ with anticipation and fear. Tears continued down his rosy red cheeks. He, like his sister, sported an impressive outfit styled, of course, by his dear mother. His suit was black, as well was his tie and shiny, expensive leather shoes. Raven hair fell in curls around his angular face, which was pale. The “that” he was referring to was Sirius’s stupid attempt at a rebellious rebuttal against the infamous, foul-mouthed Walburga Black.

The dark-haired siblings had been called to dinner around seven that night, as per usual. Each was excepted to be dressed nicely, as their lovely cousins Bellatrix, Narcissa, and their horrid mother were visiting.

Before being fetched for dinner by their family’s house elf, Lyra-Jade had lay on her older brothers’ bed, peering at one of her books, smoking a ciggy, a hint of boredom lining her pale grey eyes. Sirius was pacing back and forth before her. He had just gotten into another pointless argument with their mother.

See, Mrs. Black was keeping a close eye on her eldest son and only daughter this summer.

In her humble opinion, both of them had failed her as her children. Sirius was practically hated by his mother the moment he was sorted into Gryffindor as opposed to Slytherin. Lyra-Jade didn’t quite know the moment her mother’s tolerance for her became a deep loathing. After all, just like her entire family, the dingy old sorting hat had placed Lyra-Jade into Slytherin, much to Sirius’ distain and her parents’ pleasure. She supposed once her mother learned of the company that she shared with her brother may have been the moment it happened. Perhaps her mother had never liked her only daughter at all. Some parents didn’t like their children but were obligated to love them. Her mother and father didn’t feel obligated to do either.

Of course, Sirius had been openly rebelling against their parents since he was a wee lad. He couldn’t ever keep his mouth shut, much to his sibling’s dismay, who hated, hated, seeing their parents punish one another. Sirius’ antics were no different that August night.

While Lyra-Jade kept reading, Sirius stopped pacing and began to sort through his record collection. Well not _his_ , but his and Lyra-Jades. The records had either been purchased, well stolen, secretly when Sirius and Lyra-Jade would sneak out and explore Muggle London, or sent to them by their friends (also in secret). The old and used turning table itself was gifted to the two by Remus Lupin last year.

Sirius had found the vinyl he was searching for and hummed in satisfaction, placing it on the turn table. It was _Hunky Dory_ by David Bowie, one of their favorites.

_“Still don’t know what I was waiting for..”_

“Fuckin’ love this song.” Sirius said, plopping down next to his sister.

“Yeah.” She responded. They both sat there and sang along, Sirius tapping his hands on his thighs along to the beat and Lyra-Jade skimming over the book she’d read a dozen time before (she liked familiarity).

“Pass me the ciggy.”

“’Kay.”

He took a long drag and handed it back, laying down on his back beside where she lay on her stomach, feet swaying in the air behind her.

He sighed, long and loud.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Sirius.”

He huffed, turning on his side so he could face her. She set down her book, one of her favorite, a Muggle novel called _the Awakening_ , and put out the cigarette in the ashtray on the bedside table and mimicked his position.

“Dunno,” he said after a moment of her staring at him, beckoning him to speak, “Just miss school, I guess. The lads.”

“Me too.”

“I just wish we could fucking talk to them. Don’t understand why she doesn’t let us read anything. It is driving me mental not knowing what’s going on.”

“I know, me too.”

_“Wake up you sleepy head…”_

They both sighed and sang along.

Lyra-Jade had an idea.

“Say Siri,” she said, looking up at him with a smile.

“Say LJ,”

“What do you say we have another little trip this weekend?” She grinned (a rare sight).

He matched her grin, “Well, I’d say that’s a fantastic idea, dear sister.” His grin faded slightly, “But the risks are…large.”

“What’s life without a little risk, hmm? Isn’t that what you always say.”

He snorted. “Yeah, when the risk is detention, not a hexing.” They both shuddered.

She smiled sadly at him. “Just a thought. We don’t have too; I just want to cheer you up.”

He poked her side, “You cheer me up just by being here, dear LJ.”

“Oh shut it, you sap.”

Then, with a snap, Kreacher was in Sirius’ room, announcing their aunt and cousin’s arrival as well as dinner.

With a look to one another, they met their younger brother in the hall, Lyra-Jade taking his hand and Sirius shooting him a glare, and the three made their way down the stairs.

Sirius had made a fool of himself that night at dinner. Every comment made by a member of his family, every degrading phrase or term, he had an instant snarky word back not so discreetly said under his breath. Despite his sisters’ constant hushes, her kicks to his shin, and his mother and fathers’ deathly glares, he couldn’t help himself. Several fights were had that night across the dinner table.

When their extended family left to return to their own homes, Walburga attacked.

A hex was flown across the table with a flashing blue-ish light. It smacked Sirius right across the face, making his head turn and his hand fly up to his cheek. Lyra-Jade gasped and shot up out of her seat immediately.

“Sirius,” their mother snarled, “Whether you like it or not, you _are_ a Black. You _are_ a member of this family, and you _will_ begin to act like such.”

He stood, taking his hand off of his face to reveal a bloody gash across his cheekbone. The insides of Lyra-Jade’s stomach lurched. “If the criteria to be a part of this ‘ _family_ ’, as you call it, includes worshipping some dark lord and cursing Muggleborns, then you all can count me the fuck out.”

“Sirius!” Lyra-Jaded whispered-yelled, eyes begging him to sit down and shut the hell up.

“Oh really, Sirius, is that what you wish? Then get out!”

“Mother,” Lyra-Jade spoke, voice just above a whisper, “You must know that he is just a-angry, he doesn’t mean what he says, he-“

“Shut up, Lyra-Jade!”

“Don’t talk to her like that!” Sirius yelled.

“Sirius, stop.” His sister told him, pulling at his arm. “Stop. Now.”

And he usually would, he usually would always listen to his sister’s pleas. But he was sick and tired. So, _so_ tired. “No! I’m so fucking sick of being here, being abused,” he waved a hand towards where their mother stood from across the table, and their father sat, “By these crazy fucking people!”

Their mother drew back her wand, an ugly scowl lining her plump lips, ready to strike Sirius once again, but before she could, Lyra-Jade stepped in front of him, taking the hex. She fell back into his chest with extreme roughness, making them both fall to the ground.

Regulus stood then, too, wordless, mouth agape, staring with his wide eyes at his siblings on the ground. He stood so suddenly that his chair fell to the ground with a loud thud.

Their mother grunted like a wolf, a hungry, hungry wolf, and walked around the table and to them. “Get, up. Go to your room, Lyra-Jade.” She turned to Regulus, “You as well. Now!”

Walburga didn’t acknowledge that her daughter was having great difficulty breathing, her small chest heaving up and down. Sirius had no words as he sat sprawled out behind her, her back to his stomach. She took a breath and stood, legs shaking. Stop, she told them. They willed to her command.

She reached down for Sirius’ hand, and he took it, getting up himself. They turned to walk up the stairs. “Did I say for Sirius to go with you? No, I did not.”

His heart stopped and hers began to race. “Mother,” she said.

“Shut your little mouth and go to your room!”

She looked into her brothers’ eyes. _Be strong_ , they said.

 _I’m sorry_ , his said back.

***

And so she leaned on her door, listening as she heard her brothers hurried steps make their way up the staircase. Her breathing stopped as she heard him pass her door and go into his. For a few moments, rummaging was heard, and then the slam of his door.

 _Come to me_ , her heart screamed. _Please_.

She listened as he paused on the other side of her door. She held her breath and waited for the knob to twist. She waited a moment, and then it never did. Another moment, and she heard him walking away. Feet downstairs, and then a yell, something breaking, and the slam of another door.

She began to slowly breath again, and she turned her body to face her younger brother. His eyes were already staring into her, tears running down his face.

“LJ,” he croaked, “What do-“

He was interrupted by the loud sound of their names being screamed up the stairs.

Lyra-Jade immediately stood and rushed to her baby brother. She swiped her thumbs under his eyes.

“Calm down, baby boy.” She whispered to him. If they saw him cry…well, that would not be good.

He understood, stood and composed himself with a deep breathe.

“Hey,” she said, reaching up to take his face in her hands, “Everything is going to be alright, Reg, okay?”

He slowly nodded. She took his hand and they walked down the stairs and into the dining room.

“Sirius has left.” Her mother said as soon as they entered the room, looking from her daughter to her son. Her dark eyebrows were furrowed with anger and her nose scrunched up with her regular scowl. She stood at front of the table, their father next to her. “He is no longer a part of this family.”

Beside her, Reggie stiffened. She reached up to clutch his shoulder.

“Mother,” she spoke carefully, looking at her feet, “Surely he will come back-”

“If he does, I expect you both to make him feel as unwelcome as he is and report to myself or your father immediately.”

Lyra-Jade’s eyes left the ground, finding Walburgas. “But mother-“

“Don’t speak back to me, child!” Her shrill shriek echoed through the dining room, bouncing off the walls and into her ears. Her eyes found the floor once again, her hand clutching tighter on her brothers’ shoulder. “Always speaking back, you are! Always going against me! Always defending that boy! Why? Why, Lyra-Jade?”

She said nothing.

“Answer me!” Reggie flinched.

Courage. Have courage. “He’s my b-brother.” Damn her nervous stutter. Her only tell.

Her mother began to laugh. Oh, how much Lyra-Jade bloody fucking hated that laugh, if you could even call it that. It was more like a scream, an eerie, nightmarish high-pitched cackle filled to the brim with mania. Her father eyes dug into her.

Walburga took a few steps forward until she stood right in front of the two youngest Blacks. Lyra-Jade looked up to find her own grey steel eyes staring into her, the same face sneering back. A mirror. Her and Sirius looked very much like their mother, where Regulus appeared more like their father, which everybody loved to tell them. She hated the resemblance with every inch of her being. Her and Sirius both shared her wide, grey eyes, long straight nose, and hollow cheeks.

Her mother reached out and roughly took Lyra-Jade’s chin in her hand, forcing her head up. Lyra-Jade’s hand dropped from Reggie’s shoulder.

“Did you know of his plans to leave?” She asked, breath tickling Lyra-Jade’s face.

“No, mother.”

“You did, didn’t you?” She dropped her face and spun around, raising her arms. “He said he had been planning to leave! I bet you gave him the idea!” The hex hit her before she could even process her mother turning and pointing her wand. She smashed into the wall with a loud thump, head banging on the hard wood. Reggie cried out. She crumpled to the floor. Reggie went to go to her, but Orion held out his hand, halting him from moving. He looked to his father to his mother, who was approaching his sister, with wide eyes, tears threatening to leave is eyes.

“You,” She used her hand, this time, to hit Lyra-Jade across the face. “You lying little bitch! Just like your brother! A disgrace to this family!” The older witch was red in the face, body trembling with rage. She crouched down before her daughter and took her chin in one hand once again. Lyra-Jade stared into her mother’s furious eyes, no emotion whatsoever revealing the turmoil inside of her. She ached, and she was sure she felt blood treading down the back of her head as well as her cheek. She _felt_. Oh, how she fucking _felt_ , but she would never let her mother know.

Walburga's fingernails dug into Lyra-Jade’s chin. “Ten lashes.”

“Mother, no!” Reggie yelled from across the room, Orion’s hand still placed on his chest. Walburga flew around, “Would you like to join her, Regulus?”

He went to speak, but Lyra-Jade peeked at him from the ground behind their mother’s dress. She shook her head back and forth with such ferocity that she was sure blood had splattered around. She widened her eyes at him. _Be good_ , they said. _I’m okay_.

Walburga grunted and turned back to Lyra-Jade. “Get up. Dress off.”

Regulus watched in horror from beside his stone-faced father as Lyra-Jade leaned on the wall to aid her in standing up before her mother. She held back a whimper as her head pounded, blood rushing to it. She stared into her mother’s light grey eyes as she began to unbutton the front of her dress. Her hands begged to tremble, but she forced them still. She would not let her mother see.

She turned around, facing the wall as she undid the last of the buttons and pushed the dress off of her shoulders, leaving her in a thin lace bra and white bloomers. She was humiliated, of course. There, she stood practically naked in front of her parents and brother about to be brutally punished. She pushed back the humiliation and fear, burying it deep into the depths of her Black hole heart and crouched down onto her knees, still facing the wall. The first hit in, and Reggie whimpered, earning a deadly look from both Walburga and Lyra-Jade. Be quiet, sit still, they both said, but for different reasons. Second hit, Lyra-Jade shook with its wrath, biting down hard on her lip, surely drawing blood. By the fifth hit, her arms had wrapped around her body, fingernails drawing even more blood into her upper arms. Sixth, and she started to see black dots. She was out by the eighth, but that didn’t stop her mother from completing the punishment.

Failed by a mother.

Failed by a father.

Never once she thought she would be failed by a brother.

There she lay corrected.

***

_“I wish you a kinder sea.”_


	2. "I Truly Am Indeed, Alone Again, Naturally"

Chapter 2 – _"I Truly Am Indeed, Alone Again, Naturally"_

_Letter sent to Remus Lupin from Lyra-Jade Black, July 6 th, 1975_

_Dear Remus ‘Moony’ Lupin,_

_I very much hope that this letter is sent your way without any interruptions. Mother has been watching us like a squashed-faced hawk as of late, so I am forced to send this letter with discretion at midnight using Reggie’s new owl (I bribed him with my Salazar Chocolate Frog Card)._

_I hope all is well for you at home. I miss you and the others terribly. Its awfully horrid here. Mother and Father have been…well crueler than usual this summer. At least I have Sirius. We spend most of our time outside away from our parents or locked up in his room missing all of you. Reg’s pure blood friends are constantly over, so I have not seen much of him this summer._

_Oh how I wish I could be in your cottage or at James’s manor. The only thing that keeps me going as of late are my brother’s company, reading the books you gave me at the end of the School year (well, rereading, now), and the thought that in two months we will return to Hogwarts._

_Have you visited that museum you told me about yet? You have to describe it to me once you go! I’m sure it’s just amazingly beautiful. You should take pictures on your muggle camera - that would be very cool._

_Have you heard the song “Bennie and the Jets” ? It’s a muggle song. I’m not quite sure when it came out, but I just heard it for the first time about a fortnight ago and it reminded me of some of the songs you play on your turning-table. Sirius and I snuck out the other night (I can envision your disappointed face) (We didn’t get caught, though) and went into Muggle London. We passed by this store and we heard “Bennie and the Jets” on the Muggle - singing - machine. I only heard it once, but I can’t stop thinking about it! I hope I can hear it again one day. Anyways, we had a fun (and a bit mischievous) time. Too much happened to tell in a letter, so I will certainly have to tell you about our adventures when I see you next._

_How was the last full moon? All of Thursday night, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Sirius, too. We stayed up wondering “How is Moony doing?” all night. I very much wish it went well. Wish I could’ve been there to see you the next morning. Sirius whines about not being near James every hour of every day ALL THE TIME. You would think they were married or something. I just say “ickle wittle Siri misses his Jamsie” and he smacks my arm. Hah._

_Sirius said something funny the other day that I thought you would get a laugh out of. He said my new blouse was the “bees’ knees”. No clue what it means - I think it’s some Muggle lingo he picked up in London. He said he thought it was used to describe something cool or hip. “The bees’ knees”. Do bees even have knees?_

_Love,_

_Lyra-Jade (LJ) Black._

_PS - I think you are the “bees’ knees”(whatever that means)_

_PSS - I almost forgot! You can’t write me back, I’m sorry. I’m too afraid that mother will see. I know it’s quite strange to receive letter but return none. I hope its ok if I keep sending them, though, even if you can’t respond._

_PSSS- I miss you Moony._

***

_September 1 st, 1976_

_Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_

Lyra-Jade Cassiopeia Black, called LJ by those she was close to (few), was quite a _bitch_. Around the entirety of Hogwarts, she was infamously known for her cold-hearted stare and anti-social personality. She was no good, lazy, hot-headed, insensitive. She was only ever seen speaking to family members or three boys from her rival house. Other than that, she rarely spoke to any other students, if not to jinx or sneer. However, no one really ever tried to speak to her in the first place. She was _feared_. Oh yes, five foot one and a half and _absolutely_ and _utterly_ _feared_ by most of the Hogwarts population, including professors. First years with older siblings at Hogwarts arrived to school already keen with the knowledge to not get in the way of Lyra-Jade Black unless you wanted a curse thrown your way or four Gryffindor boys setting off dung bombs under your dorm room bed.

LJ wasn’t beautiful in the conventional way, that much was clear. Her cheeks were much too hollow, her face too angular to be considered soft or welcoming. Her eyes were much too wide and off-putting, with much too dark purple rings underneath them. Her eyebrows were much too thick to be ladylike. She was too short, too awkwardly lean and frail. She didn’t have beautiful promiscuous curves or full breasts.

But she was beautiful, she truly was.

The gentleman of Hogwarts found her enchanting despite her flaws. Maybe it was her hierarchy. Maybe she was just seen as a fun challenge to conquer - _Who can get into Lyra-Jade Black’s pants and live to tell the tale?_

But she paid no attention to those boys. Since her third year, her heart had belonged to Remus Lupin.

They had been friends since the first days of Hogwarts, but her love hadn’t blossomed until three years later. _Let’s be honest, what eleven-year-old can feel real romantic love?_

Lyra-Jade loved Remus Lupin. Not like she loved her best friends, not friendship love. _Love_ love. _In love_ love.

She loved the way he cradled her small face when he scanned her face for cuts and bruises. She loved when he would brush his knee up against hers while they studied. She loved when he would let her rest her head on top of his lap. She loved when he would hug her, longer and tighter than anyone else would. She loved when he would automatically perk up when she would visit him in the hospital wing after a full moon. She loved how he would take all her secrets to the grave. She loved when he would silently, and without being asked, pass her his notes when he knew she wasn’t prepared for a certain test. She loved that he would always lend her good books after he was done reading them. She loved how excited he would get when she finished said books when he could finally talk to her about plots and favorite characters. She loved how he always smelled of chocolate and tea and didn’t mind that she smelled like cigarettes and coffee. She loved how bright his cheeks shone red when she pulled him down by his tie to whisper something in his ear.

She loved him so much that it made her hate him. Hate him for making her so weak, so infatuated, so _soft_. He made her feel nothing like a _Black_ should. _Loving is weak_. Her mother drilled that into her head at a young age. _Caring is weak._

Many didn’t think she had a heart. But, _oh_ , did she.

She just didn’t wear it on her sleeve where it could be mistaken for softness.

Softness was something her parents had never shown them growing up. They never cried on their mothers’ shoulder. Their mother never patched up a scraped knee or stroked their identical black curls after a nightmare. They never sat on their father’s lap as he told then stories. Lyra-Jade had to hold herself, heal herself, calm herself, as well as her brothers. Even though Sirius was older ( _barely_ ), she felt as though she was his older sister.

She was the one that both her brothers crawled into bed with on stormy nights. She was the one to whisper words of comfort to them when they were scared or hurt. She was the one to take the blame. She was the one to get hurt in their place.

All caring for her two brothers brought her was pain and stress. But if she didn’t care for them, _mother_ them, who would? So she stayed strong, stayed stern. For them. Everything was for them. Always.

She would play perfect daughter to protect them. She would be married off to someone she’s probably fucking related to for them. She would go along with her parents’ ideals. If she didn’t, if she loved who she loved, she would be disowned. Just like her cousin. Whipped off the family tree and never spoken to again. Who would care for her brothers then?

She would ignore her heart’s desire for them.

How could she explain that to her parents? _Mum, Dad, I’m in love with my half-blood, half-breed, poor best friend. ‘S that cool?_

So she buried her feelings deep, deep down. She allowed herself to divulge in friendship with the boy, even though that was a risk in itself.

But she had to be a little selfish sometimes.

She had done all of that for her brothers, all of that for Sirius, and how does he repay her?

He fucking runs away. Without her.

Would she had gone with him? Would she had left Reggie? Probably not.

But it still bloody hurt. Thinking about the moment when he stood at the other side of her door, her heart silently begging him to twist her knob, caused her to physically hurt.

For once she just wanted someone to take care of her. _Always the protector never the protected,_ Remus had once said.

She assumed her brother had run off to James’, that had always been the imaginary plan. However, in the imaginary plan, her and Reggie were included. They weren’t in this one.

The last month of the summer of 1976 was one filled with anxiousness and anger.

She was so, _so_ angry. Though, she didn’t know at exactly who.

Her mother, yes, she was _very_ angry at her mother.

She didn’t really feel anything towards her father. He was a stranger to her, and how could one form an opinion on someone they didn’t even know? Maybe there was a hint of resentment, but she really couldn’t be bothered to ponder it.

Towards her mother, however, she felt many things. Anger being the second most prevalent. Fear being the first.

She was angry at Sirius, of course, for leaving. For not twisting the doorknob.

She concluded that she was in fact most angry with herself. Though, she didn’t really know why. She supposed she was always somewhat irritated with herself

Maybe she was angry at herself because she couldn’t bring herself to open the dozens of letters she got during that month. Letters from Sirius, James, Remus, Peter, and even Mrs. Potter all came for her. She didn’t open a single one, she just tossed them away into the fire. It’s not like she could respond anyway, what with her mother knowing about the existence of each and every said letter. She watched the skies like a hawk, knew the sound of the swoosh of an owl’s wings by heart. If she didn’t burn the letters, her mother would.

And so the rest of the summer went by. Whenever she felt like it, Walburga would call for Lyra-Jade, questioning, sneering and more than not hexing. For what reasons, Lyra-jade never new. Walburga was just angry, always angry, and Lyra-Jade had always been the easiest target.

If she was not in her room, staring at her ceiling, trying to make her heart stop hurting, she was reading, playing with her cat, or comforting her baby brother. During that August, Regulus often snuck out of his room and into hers during the night, plagued by nightmares and in need of his big sisters embrace.

Soon it came time for her sixth year to begin.

Lyra-Jade gripped Reggie’s hand tightly as they walked onto the red train. Heads from each compartment they passed whipped their way.

She would not seek out anyone. She would find an empty compartment and stay there until they arrived. And that was that.

And so she entered the first empty one she saw and drug her younger brother in after her. Sitting down near the window, she brought the carrier that held her cat to her lap, opening it and pulling him out.

“There’s handsome Apollo.” She said, nuzzling his nose with her own as Reggie sat down next to her, “Mummy is ever so sorry that she had to trap you.”

They sat for a moment in silence, Lyra-Jade’s focus solely on the cat on her lap, Reggie’s on her. He didn’t quite know what to say. He never quite knew what to say.

Then there was a knock, and Lyra-Jades heart speed. But, it was only two of Reggie’s friends.

Reggie looked from them to her. “Is it alright if-“

“Of course, Reg.” Ezra Zabini and Henry Mulciber entered the compartment, sitting across from the siblings, both sporting smiles upon seeing their friend (one wider than the other).

The two boys were Reggie’s best friends and dormmates.

Ezra; she liked. Mulciber; she loathed. He was an extremely obnoxious half-blooded Slytherin, with shaggy brown hair and two large front teeth.

Ezra, however, she had always secretly adored, although they never truly spoke to one another. She adored him for the way he was with her brother. The two of them, they were the true best friends of the trio, Mulciber just trailed behind them because he had nowhere else to go.

Ezra had deep, dark skin, honey colored eyes, and hair shaved closely to his scalp. He was a very shy boy, very soft-spoken (unlike several fellow Slytherin boys). He and Reggie, they very much understood one another. Watching them interact, it was like watching two people who shared the same brain speak to each other.

Much like she was with Remus Lupin.

But she didn’t want to think about that.

“Hey Mulciber, Ezra.” Her brother said.

“Well hello there, Reg. Long time no see.” Ezra grinned.

“You both were quite literally just at my house, were you not?”

“Don’t recall,” Mulciber said, staring out the window. “Must have not been memorable.”

“Oh shut up, you wanker.”

“Hey, Lyra-Jade.” Ezra said to her, a kind smile on his face.

“Yeah, uh, hi, Lyra-Jade.” Mulciber awkwardly spewed out. Unfortunately for her, Reggie had informed her the previous year that his shaggy haired friend had quite fancied her, despite her borderline rude attitude towards him.

She returned Ezra’s smile. “Ezra,” Her smile became a frown, “Mulciber.”

“You know, um, Lyra-Jade, you can, you know, call be Henry, if you wanted.”

“And if I don’t?” Beside her, Reggie shot a sly look to Ezra, who was covering up a laugh with a cough.

“Then, um, Mulciber is fine! Completely fine!”

As the three boys began to idly chat, Lyra-Jade drug her hands through Apollo’s thick black hair, trying to think about nothing, nothing at all. But she couldn’t. Her heart raced. Sweat began to form at her brow Anger bubbled in her heart. She shouldn’t have come back. She couldn’t face him. She couldn’t face any of them. She was to angry, so, so very angry. If she even caught a glimpse of Sirius, she would surely combust in his face. Rage consumed the entirety of her small being.

A few hours flew by, and Lyra-Jade had brought out her current read, still caressing her cats’ soft fur as he slept. The three Slytherin boys chatted on, but she could feel Reggie’s eyes digging into her every couple of minutes. Suddenly, she was being prodded on the shoulder. She looked up to find all three boys staring at her, and then the compartment window. She didn’t even have to look toward the door to know who was there. She knew he would be the first to try to talk to her. Her eyes turned down once again, returning the book in her hand.

Silence, and then the sound of the door screeching open.

“L,” said a voice from the doorway. Beside her, Regulus stood, shooting daggers at the intruding boy.

“Go away.” Regulus said. He was angry. _Big brother couldn’t even show his face himself, could he? Had to send one of his toys._

“No. L, could you please come talk to me. Just me.”

From the look of her, you would think her deaf. Her face showed nothing at all as her eyes pretended to skim her book, still petting her cat. James groaned with frustration.

“Please, L, I-“

“Just leave, Potter.”

“No, please just come talk to me,-“

“Leave!” Reggie inched closer to James; fist clenched at his sides. Ezra and Mulciber looked wearyingly at their friend.

“No! L, please-“

“She doesn’t want to talk to you!” Lyra-Jade looked up when a seething Reggie was reeling back his fist. She quickly jumped up, grabbing his hand.

“Stop.” She said, moving around him. She didn’t look up as she grabbed James’ arm and pulled him out of the compartment, leaving a spluttering brother behind. She dragged him to the nearest empty compartment, not too far from the one she had just been in. She pulled him in and shut the door behind him, reeling back the red curtains.

“What?!” She questioned, looking up to face James.

He just stared at her; eyes wide with uncertainty.

“What, James?!” She said again, voice getting louder.

He groaned and grabbed her shoulder, bringing her to sit.

He looked into her eyes. “L, are you okay?”

“Oh, yes, James. I’m just peachy, obviously. Isn’t this the face of someone just peachy?” She pointed to her frowning lips and furrowed brows.

He looked down at his lap, twiddling his thumbs. A nervous habit he’s always had. “Sirius…he’s really, _really_ sorry, L.”

“Oh, is he? Can’t he come tell me that himself, or are you his owl now?”

“He’s ashamed!”

“He should be.”

“We all know that.”

They stared at one another a moment.

He broke the silence. “You didn’t answer any of our letters.”

“Why would I...”

“Because we were all worried about you!”

“Worried about me? I’m sure.”

“L, don’t be stupid. We were all going mad. Moony wanted to come steal you away in the middle of the night.”

She didn’t want to think about Remus.

“He left us, James. He left me.”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t. You don’t know. He…he knows how our parents are, James. Obviously, he does. And all our lives, we’ve had each other to get through it. I’ve had him and he’s had m-me.” She spluttered. “I needed him, and he left me.” Her breathes came out sharp and much too quickly, her heart beating much too fast. She wanted to cry, fuck did she want to cry, but _no no no_ _no_ she wouldn’t.

James enveloped the heaving girls into his arms. She struggled against his grip, but he was unwavering, and eventually she grabbed him back, burring her dry face into the crook of his neck.

“I’m so sorry, L.”

“I.” _Heave_. “Know.” _Heave_ “You are.”

He leaned back to look at her. “L, you have to now…no matter what goes on between you and Sirius…You’re still my sister, no matter what, alright? I’m here for you, no matter what. You can hate Sirius all you want right now, ignore him, whatever. But, I’m still here, alright? You’re still my family.”

Lyra-Jade wasn’t sure exactly when, but sometime during their third or fourth year at Hogwarts, James had decided that Sirius would be his brother and she would be his sister. He saw two broken kids and wanted to adopt them, and so he did, because one thing about James Potter is that he _always_ did what he wanted.

It was never something established, he had just started calling Sirius his brother and Lyra-Jade his sister to anyone he was having a conversation with.

_“Well, my sister is a Slytherin so watch your mouth, you little Badger.”_

_“You know that dung-bomb that went off in the Great Hall last year? Yup, that was me and my brother’s doing, it was.”_

_“You’re in the choir? My sisters in the choir!”_

And so, with that, they took to calling him their brother. And they got funny looks, but no one questioned James Potter or the Blacks. Ever.

She didn’t say anything for a while, just stared down at her feet. After a moment, she lunged at James, who let out a surprised _ump_. She wrapped her arms arm his stomach and set her face in his chest.

He rubbed her back, “Love you L, you know that?”

“I love you too, Prongsie.”

***

Lyra-Jade kept her head down throughout the entire feast. On the way there, she heard her name yelled several times by several different male voices, but she sped walked as far away from the voices as she could. She sat with Reggie, Ezra, Mulciber, and some other fellow Slytherins she never had bothered to learn the names of. She didn’t speak, or clap when a first ear was sorted into her house, she just stared at the table, her head in her hands.

No one around her really thought anything of her behavior, because, well, she was _Lyra-Jade Black_ , who always seemed to have some sort of disheveled or cross look on her pale face. She let her bangs create a curtain around her eyes, blocking out the looks and hand gestures aimed to her from two tables over.

When the food appeared before her, her stomach twisted. The thought of eating made her feel ill. And when the feast was over, the empty bellied girl stood and practically sprinted to the door, ignoring her younger brothers tug and small yell. She flew past the crowds and made her way to the dungeons.

It wasn’t until she arrived at the portrait that she remembered she didn’t know the bloody password.

“LJ!”

“Shit.”

She didn’t turn around as she heard heavy breathes and hurried steps behind her, calling her name.

“Damn, that’s a long bloody walk!” Peter said.

“LJ,”

Two other pairs of feet, neither heaving.

“I told you two to leave her alone!” She heard James say. She still hadn’t moved, facing the portrait silently.

“LJ, please talk to me, I’m so, _so_ _fucking_ sorry, I just, I don’t know, I…” Sirius trailed off.

Silence.

Then, “Please look at me, Lyra-Jade! Please, I know I’m a huge bloody fucking idiot, but I-“

She whirled around, then, though she wasn’t sure why then is when she choose too. “Yeah, you are a big bloody fucking huge _idiot_. And I hate you.” She choked on those last words. It was as though her body knew her words anything but true. She kept her icy, cruel glare solely on her bother, not moving her eyes to the other three boys. Especially one with a set of bright hazels, who were gazing at her with sadness and concern.

“LJ,”

“I _hate_ you!”

Tears spring in Sirius’ eyes. “I hate me too! I know I fucked up, but…“

He trailed off as the Slytherin Head boy and girl, along with their entire house behind them, turned the corner.

“What is going on here.” A tall, blonde girl said loudly, glaring from Lyra-Jade to the four Gryffindor boys in front of _her_ common room door. A hush fell.

Sirius snorted and glared back. “Nothing, _Cissy_.”

Their cousin rolled her grey eyes. “Obviously something, _Siri_ , cause here I see you crying and harassing poor Little Lyra in front of my common room door. Doesn’t seem like nothing, does it?” She turned to Lyra-Jade, who was staring intently at the floor. “What is going on."

“It’s none of your business!” Sirius scowled.

“In _our_ family, everyone’s business _is_ everyone’s business.” She smiled.

Murmurs broke out in the crowd behind them. And Sirius was suddenly very aware of the audience. Narcissa told the portrait the password and forced the hesitant onlookers in. Regulus, who had been quite up until that point, broke from the crowd and a charged towards his brother.

“Just, get out of here, Sirius. Now.”

“Do I take orders from baby brother now?” He mused.

Regulus scoffed. “You aren’t my brother.”

“Regulus!” Lyra-Jade suddenly exclaimed, stepping in between her two brothers. Why was it that she always found herself in this position?

“Well, he isn’t out brother anymore, is he? He did leave, after all. He did get disowned.”

Sirius stepped around his sister and shoved regulus hard. “You shut the fuck up!”

“Stop!” James had grabbed the back of Sirius’ cloak and pulled him back. Regulus went at Sirius, but Lyra-Jade gabbed him.

“LJ,” coaxed the voice she _didn’t_ want to her. How had his voice gotten deeper in only two months? She still couldn’t bare to spare a look. “Why don’t you come to our dorm room, and… and we can all talk, yeah?”

“Yeah!” Peter nodded.

“She’s not going anywhere with you!” Her brother shouted.

“Fine.” She said turning her body towards where Remus stood, but not lifting her eyes.

“LJ, no, you-“

“Reggie, it's fine. Just go, I’ll see in in a bit, alright?”

He scoffed, shook his head, and turned to go inside the common room, but not before shooting a glare to his older brother that proved he did infact inherent something in his appearance from their mother. Lyra-Jade hadn’t noticed that they did still indeed had an audience. Her cousin stood in front of the portrait with her narrowed eyes and puckered lips, as well as a concerned looking Ezra Zabini.

Before anyone could say anything, Lyra-Jade stormed off in the direction of the Gryffindor common room. The boys hurried after her in silence.

When they arrived, Remus awkwardly stood beside her and told the portrait the password.

She rushed inside and through the common room, ignoring everyone in it, and flew up the steps and to the dormitory she had spent so much of the last five years in.

She opened the door and walked to stand in the center of the room, dropping her black bag to th floor. She crossed her arms and stared at the ground.

“Damn, she’s fast. How is she so fast?”

“Shut up, Wormy.” James said, his usually voice, which was usually so full of confidence and arrogance, was gone, leaving them with his rare shaky, uncomfortable murmur that Lyra-Jade loathed to hear.

They all filled in after her. Peter went to sit at the edge of James’ bed, which was closest to the door. James followed his action, leaving Sirius and Remus standing, all four staring expectantly at the girl.

“So?” She spoke after a moment of uncomfortable silence.

“Did they…did they hurt you?” Her brother asked.

She tilted her head back and laughed.

***

_“I must get my soul back from you; I am killing my flesh without it.”_


	3. "Honey What'cha Done to Your Head, Honey Was the Words What I Said”

Chapter 3 – _“_ _Honey What'cha Done to Your Head, Honey Was the Words What I Said”_

She moved closer to her brother while she laughed, causing James to stand and stand between them, because, he _knew_. He knew what she could, _would_ , do.

“No, Sirius,” She stopped laughing then. Remus thought how eerie she could be, switching her expressions with such ease. “Actually, they baked me a fucking cake and wrote “ _World’s Best Daughter_ ” on it. _Yes_ , Sirius, obviously they fucking hurt me!” She managed to move past James’ body barricade and was standing face to, well, chest to Sirius. “You think they were happy when you left? No! And who other to take out their anger on than poor, _abandoned_ Little Lyra?”

“L, calm down.” James beckoned, trying to grab her arm from behind.

She yanked her arm from his grasp and turned to him. “Calm down? Calm fucking down, James? He left me there! I will not be fucking calming down!” She turned and looked at all three boys. “Did you all truly expect me to come back to school and be all sunshine and rainbows, huh? All buddy-buddy with you lot, huh? Like my brother didn’t leave me? No. That’s shit.”

“LJ, please I’m so sorry, if you would just let me-“ Sirius started, but Lyra-Jade gave him a shove. He barely moved.

“No. Piss off. You don’t get to act like you're sorry for leaving, because I know you aren’t. You got to spend the rest of your summer lounging around with James and his lovely fucking parents, yeah? Got to pretend I didn’t exist for a bit? I bet you loved every second.”

“L,” James began.

Her pale grey eyes narrowed into slits and her fingers dug deep into the palm of her hands. She had reddened in the face from frustration and rage. “Shut up, James.” She turned back to her brother, “Tell James, Sirius. Tell him how you knew what would happen if you left, and you did it anyways!”

He just stared down at his feet.

“Speak, you coward. Speak!” She screamed, making Remus jump.

Tears starting spewing from Sirius’ eyes and he covered his face with his hands. “I’m sorry, LJ!” He sobbed. “I’m so sorry!”

“Sorry doesn’t fix it.” She crossed her arms again. “Sorry doesn’t mean fucking shit. You are my _brother_ , and you just left me there like I was nothing. You made me feel like I was _nothing_ that night, Sirius, when I’ve spent my _whole_ life treating you like my _everything_.”

She stared at his crying body. The others stared at her, mouth agape, shooting looks at one another, completely unsure what to do.

“You left,” she croaked out after a moment, “You just left. You left us there with _them_ alone. Alone, Sirius! Do you have any idea how much that hurt us? The both of us?”

“Lyra-Jade, I knew you wouldn’t come with me!” He fumed, pulling his hands from his face. His body was shaking. “Of course I wanted you to come!”

“And leave Reggie? Are you heartless? Do you really not love him?” She laughed without any trace of humor, “He is our little brother for fuck’s sake! We are meant to protect him!”

“Of course I love him, Lyra-Jade! Are you daft? Of course I do! But he made his decision! He chose his side! That’s out of our control and you know it!”

She just stared her icy stare.

“You need to see that if you don’t want to end up trapped like him!” He continued. “Caused that what he is, LJ: trapped. And you know it. You know why he gets called downstairs and we don’t. You know what him and father and Bella whisper about! You know who he is expected to be! LJ, I’m meant to protect you too. And that’s what I was bloody trying to do!”

“Wow, you’ve done such an excellent job at that, haven’t you? Bravo!” She clapped slowly, and with each one Peter jolted. “Sirius, my whole _fucking_ life has been spent protecting you two. My whole life. All I do is for you and Reggie, and all you’ve ever done is take that for granted!”

“I’m sorry!” He kicked his bed frame with a grunt and slowly slide down its side, defeated. He once again cradled his face in his shaking hands.

“I thought it was you and me, Sirius.” She breathed after a while of silence.

At that, he snapped his head up and met her eyes. His were red and tear soaked. His face was still angry and confused.

“Yeah, you're right, LJ.” He answered, “It is _you_ and _me_.”

 _You and me you and me you and me_. They always said that to each other since they were children. Where was Reggie’s place in that? LJ thought back on their childhood. Deep late-night sobbing with _Sirius_. Playing Quidditch outside for hours with _Sirius_. Plotting an extreme and far-fetched childish escape plan with _Sirius_. Fantasizing about adulthood with no parents with _Sirius_. Where was Reggie?

_Off with our parents whispering about Salazar knows fucking what, I guess._

If it really was _her_ and _Sirius_ , what did that entail? Would she leave Reggie in that house for Sirius? Would she be disowned for Sirius? Would she kill for him? Die for him?

 _You and me you and me you and me_.

Yes, she would. But she would for Reggie too.

“LJ,” Sirius said, whipping his eyes with the back of his hands. He looked just at her, in her eyes, too embarrassed to look at his friends. “You have to leave there. You are not going back this Christmas.”

She scoffed, “Oh, really, Sirius. Acting like the protective big brother now, are you? Where was this valiancy a month ago?”

“I made a mistake leaving without you, Lyra-Jade. I know that. I knew that the second I left. But I’m not making that mistake again. You’re not going back.”

“I’m not leaving Reggie, Sirius! Get that throw your thick head!” She yelled.

“LJ,” Remus said, moving towards her with hesitation. He moved towards her as one would move towards a rapid dog.

“No!” She cut him off, “He doesn’t make decisions for me! He may think it perfectly fine to abandon our little brother, but I don’t!”

“LJ, he’s practically one of them! He practically evil, just like them!”

“He is _not_ evil, he is _just_ a _boy_!” She screamed incredibly loud. James winced.

“Lyra-Jade, stop bloody screaming! You sound crazy! You sound like mother!

As soon as the words came out of his mouth, he regretted ever saying them, and he would the rest of his life.

At her brothers’ words, something deep in Lyra-Jade snapped. Her whole life she’s been called crazy. Her whole life she has tried so damn hard to be everything her mother wasn’t. And there was her brother, calling her just that.

_I’ll show you fucking crazy._

“Crazy…” She muttered. She barked out a manic laugh and stared dead into Sirius’ eyes. “Yeah, I guess I’m just _fucking_ crazy, just like mummy. Oh yes, I am so, _so_ , fucking crazy.” She backed up, and straight into a dresser, presumably Remus’. On it was a vase of red and yellow roses, courtesy of the House Elves. When her back clashed with the wooden drawers, the glass vase toppled and fell to the ground, shattering into a dozen pieces.

Sirius’ chest heaved up and down as he stared back, brows furrowed, ignoring the fallen vase. Remus, James, and Peter looked back and forth between the girl, the boy, and the glass and water now coating the floor.

Lyra-Jade took a step back. Her foot clashed with a sharp fragment of the broken vase, making pieces jump up and graze her bare ankles. She didn’t even flinch as blood began to fall. She didn’t feel anything. Numbness flowed through her veins. “So, so much like mummy, aren’t I, Siri?” She bent down in one swift movement and picked up a large piece of the shattered glass, “Just…like…” She deeply slashed the glass across her lower arm, “…Mummy.”

Sirius and James gasped, Peter’s eyes rolled into the back of his head, and Remus screamed out. He rushed to her side immediately, quickly knocking the sharp piece of red-tinted glass out of her hand. “Crazy! Crazy! Crazy! Just like mummy!” She chanted as Remus held her bleeding arm, covering his shaking hands over the large gash.

“James, get a towel!” Remus yelled. His eyes were wide, and his heart beat much too fast.

James didn’t move a muscle, his eyes transfixed on the blood _. So, so, much blood._ His stomach lurched and he felt as though he were going to be sick. While his eyes were on the girl’s arm, Sirius’ never left his sister. His mouth agape and blood frozen over.

“Crazy! Insane! Fucking crazy, right Siri?”

She wouldn’t calm, trying to break free from Remus’ grasp. His strong hands held her bleeding arm.

“James, get a fucking towel!”

Remus’ frantic voice seemed to shake James back to reality. He turned and ran into the dormitory bathroom and rushed back within a second carrying a large towel. He and Remus wrapped it around the screaming girls arm tightly.

Her knees suddenly buckled, and she fell back into James’ chest. She squirmed her body, trying to rid her arm of the towel. James locked his arms around her shoulders, sinking to the ground with her, as Remus fought her to keep the towel around her arm. “Just like mummy! Crazy, crazy, crazy!”

“LJ, calm down, calm down.” Remus gasped out.

“Crazy, crazy, CRAZY!”

“LJ,” James breathed, tears forming in his eyes, “Please calm down.” She continued to move her small body violently.

“Peter, there’s probably a calming draught in her bag, get it!” Remus commanded, turning his head back to the green faced, but now conscious, panicked boy.

Peter didn’t move.

“Fuck, Peter, look!” James yelled, arms struggling to keep her still. “Just like mummy!” She was frenzied.

Finally, his mind forced his body to move, slowly making his way to the spot on the floor where her bag lay.

“Faster!”

He dumped out her bad and searched for the draught.

“I…cant... find it.” He whispered.

“Fucks sake!” Remus was soaked in Lyra-Jades blood, from both her arm and now her kicking foot, “ _Accio_ it!”

Peter pulled out his wand slowly from his back pocket and pointed it at the pile of purse contents. “ _Accio_ draught.”

A small bottle filled with blue liquid landed in his hands. He stared at it.

“Peter!” James yelled.

His head snapped back and he quickly walked over the heap of three fighting figures on the floor. Remus took in from him and undid the cork with his mouth. His hand left her arm and he took her chin in his hands roughly.

“Crazy!” She yelled, still staring at her brother, who had not blinked in the past five minutes.

Remus forced her mouth open and poured the entirety of the draught in. She sputtered and gurgled until James from behind reached up and forced her mouth closed.

As soon as the liquid moved down her throat, she stopped moving. Her trembling arms and kicking legs went limp, and her eyes rolled into the back of her head. James was sobbing at that point, clutching her body to him. Remus stared down at his hands, covered in her blood. Peter fell back onto the edge of James’ bed, breathing much too quickly. Sirius couldn’t breathe. He swallowed hard, tears filling his eyes. He looked away, wrapping his arms around himself. The three other boys stared up at him. Sirius turned, opened the door, and ran.

***

_“I must get my soul back from you; I am killing my flesh without it.”_


	4. "These Days, These Days"

Chapter 4 – _These Days, These Days_

_Memory from on the way home from first year, July 1972_

Neither Sirius nor Lyra-Jade had said a singular word to anyone but one another that entire day. Not quite unusual for the latter, but definitely for the former. While the three boys, their friends, talked excitingly about the events that would take place that summer, they both stayed silent.

_“Dad said I could go to Quidditch camp!”_

_“Mum is taking me and my sister to Ireland!”_

_“Tons of new films coming out in the cinema this summer, Mum said she would take me to each one!”_

As they talked amongst themselves, Remus Lupin couldn’t help but steal constant glances at the silent Black siblings, who sat opposite of him next to James. Surely the other two must see that they are acting weird, he thought. But maybe they were too excited to notice. But Remus always noticed Sirius and Lyra-Jade. He glanced at them, seeing Sirius’ face turned towards the window, silently watching the green mountains and baby blue sky. Lyra-Jade’s eyes never left her brothers face.

When the trolly witch came, Sirius didn’t jump up and buy half the cart like he did the first time they were all on the train together. He just sat.

Remus and James, however, did jump up at the witches’ entrance. James bought about a dozen cauldron cakes. Remus bought two chocolate frogs and one licorice wand. When he sat back down, he tapped his foot to Lyra-Jades, causing her eyes to shift from her brother to him. He held out the licorice wand to her. Her faced broke out in a rare smile.

“Thank you, Remus.” She said, taking a bite.

His heart fluttered as he smiled back at her. She always had a beautiful voice. She spoke like she sung: angelically.

“Sirius.” He said. No response, he just kept staring, probably unaware that the trolley witch came by at all. His sister nudged him.

“What?” He asked, voice laced with annoyance. She nodded to Remus, who tossed the frog into Sirius’s lap.

“Oh,” he said, “Thanks Reems.” He didn’t eat it, just stuffed it in his pocket and looked back out. Lyra-Jade looked at Remus and gave him a sad smile before turning her gaze back to her brothers, one hand holding the candy and her other stroking her cat. James and Peter were so absorbed in stuffing their mouths with cauldron cakes and talking about Quidditch they didn’t see the interaction at all.

Remus had sighed and pulled out his book. A few hours later, and he was still reading. Lyra-Jade was asleep, her head in Sirius’ lap and feet on James, who was also asleep, slumped against the frame of the cart door. Peter was staring out the window with boredom, upset that no one was awake or talking to him.

There was a knock on the door. “Almost there,” Said Frank Longbottom, their head boy that year, opening the door, “’Bout fifteen away.”

“Thanks.” Remus called out to him, but he was already walking away.

“How long did he say?” Asked Sirius frantically. Remus saw that his eyes had widened quite comically.

“Fifteen minutes or so.” Peter told him, eyebrows scrunching up at his friend’s odd expression

Sirius started breathing quickly, much too fast. He shook his sisters’ arm. “LJ! LJ, Wake up.”

“What?” She asked, lifting her head from his lap.

“We are almost there!” He told her, leg bouncing up and down and up and down, “We are almost to the station, LJ!” His voice got louder, waking up James.

“Whatcha yellin’ ‘bout?” He asked tiredly, rubbing his eyes. Remus and Peter watched the siblings

“It’s okay, Siri.” The small girl told her brother, grabbing his shoulders. “It’ll be alright. We will be alright, yeah?”

“No, no we won’t. LJ , I don’t want to go back!” Sirius then choked out a sob and buried his head into his sister’s chest, wrapping his arms around her waist. The other three watched awkwardly as she held him back whispering, “It’ll be alright. I’m right here.”

“Sirius, mate,” James started, concern in his eyes, “What’s-“ Lyra Jade looked at him and shook her head, shutting him up. He looked at Remus and they shared a look. They all had discovered early into their first year that their two friends did not have a great home life, though Remus suspected that they truly did not know the extent. They had all heard Sirius waking up from nightmares and whispering into his little mirror, “ _Lyra-Jade Cassiopeia Black, Lyra-Jade Cassiopeia Black, Lyra-Jade Cassiopeia Black. LJ, I need you.”_ They had all heard her whispering back through the mirror, whispering and then soft singing. They knew that loud noises and quick movements made them both flinch.

But they didn’t know how to comfort their crying friend. That was always his sister’s job. They hadn’t even ever seen him cry before that moment on the train, not even James.

So for those next few minutes, Remus, James, and Peter had stared at their feet while Sirius cried onto his sister’s blouse.

“Sirius, we are almost there.” She said after another moment, taking his arms from around her waist and lifting them up. He reluctantly lifted his head and met her eyes, avoiding the other pairs in the compartment. “You need to calm down before we get there.” She said, voice turning slightly stern. She needed to be stern.

“But, I can’t, LJ, I really, truly can’t. I really don’t want to go back.” He wailed.

“Um, Sirius, mate,” Lyra-Jades head snapped to him behind her, but he kept going, “We’ll see you guys in two months, yeah? And we will write a lot, wont we guys?” He looked to Remus and Peter.

“Of course we will. Every week or even every day if you want.”

“Yeah! Every day!” Nodded Peter.

Sirius said nothing, staring at his lap, still shaking with whimpers. Lyra-Jade turned back to him. “You hear that, Siri? Every day if you’d like, they say. You have to calm down now, Sirius. Before we get there.” She swiped both of her thumbs under each of his eyes. “ _Now_.” She commanded.

He took a deep shaky breath and whipped at his face. The train came to a stop and his heart leapt.

***

“Lyra-Jade, what have you done to your blouse?! It looks soaked!” Her mother questioned angrily, yanking at the front of her shirt roughly.

“I spilled a glass of water on it, just a few minutes ago, Mother.” She lied.

“Merlin, you clumsy girl, don’t you know-“ She ranted and ranted as she pulled her daughter’s arm and walked through the station, Sirius and Kreacher trailing behind.

Sirius looked back then, and his sad eyes found Remus’. Remus stuck his tongue out at the back of Walburga Black, causing Sirius to break out into a large grin before waving at his friend, then running ahead and looping his arm around Lyra-Jades arm unoccupied by her mother’s tight grasp.

“Gimme a cwutch, honey.” Remus’ mother said behind him in her thick, singsong Welsh accent, wrapping his arm around his shoulders. “Oh how I’ave missed you! This new movie is co-o-men out next week, shall we go? It’s called somethin’ like, “Now You See Him, Now You Don’t” or somethin’. That gi-url over there, yeah, that one with the lo-ong black hair, that’s her innit? Lyra-Jade? Oh, she _is_ pretty, innit-she? Oh, and then our neighbors, you know the old ones, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson or whateve-er, they gave me these rose seeds I’ll fo-or sure need your help plantin’. God knows your father can’t get his hands dirty, Oh! And-“ He smiled at her as she rambled on, the way that she always did. She was younger than most mums he knew, and you could tell by the way she spoke and held herself. He was so happy to be near her again, but as he listened, he couldn’t help but wonder about his two friends and their awaited summer.

***

Lyra-Jade stopped talking for a long period of time when she was six years old. About ten years later, and she still didn’t know what truly compelled her to do so. She woke up one day, her nursemaid dressed her, she met her brothers outside, and they all went down with the nursemaid to eat, all while not saying anything.

She found she quite liked the silence. Being quiet gave her more space in her head, she concluded. She could spend more time in her mind, focus more on herself rather than the world around her, which she, at six years old, learned that she would rather not be a part of.

So she stopped talking, which caused frustration, of course. Her mother screamed at her when she would not answer, her brothers and cousins gave her funny looks. But, she wanted to keep true to her conclusion.

And so a few days went by, and still no talking. Physically, she seemed fine, the medi-witch told her parents. _Her body is healthy as can be_ , she said, _but her mind, that I’m not too sure about_.

But the Blacks would rather be seen dead than send their daughter to a mind-healer at St.Mungos, so they used punishments as a way to force her to talk. They would also rather be seen dead than have had a mute, simple-minded daughter.

Months went by, and not a peep. She didn’t want to talk, so she didn’t. She wanted to live in her own world, so she did.

It wasn’t until one night when her brother came knocking on her door that this phase had stopped. She opened it to reveal a crying little boy.

“LJ,” He said, “I-I got in trouble.” He turned to show her the blood seeping through his white button-down.

She had pulled him in and guided him to her large bed (which she had to use a step to get on), and held him close while he cried on her.

And then, she concluded, maybe she couldn’t live in her head, her own world, because her brother, he needed her in his. So, she opened her mouth and let her voice be heard for the first time in a while, startling her crying brother. She didn’t speak at first, but sang. She sang to him his favorite lullaby that their nursemaid would sing to them when they couldn’t fall asleep. She sang until both their eyelids fluttered closed. And the next day, she woke him with a giddy, “Good Morning!”

***

_September 2 nd, 1976_

Lyra-Jade opened her eyes slowly. She felt as though she was floating through space. Her insides tingled with relaxation. She looked around, confused as to why she lay in an infirmary bed. Her eyes found the window closest to her, and she saw that it was dark out, probably past midnight. She looked around and saw no one, but heard distinct voices.

“…and she…she just…” She heard an all too familiar voice say, “…She just hasn’t been well, we’ve guessed, since Sirius, well…left. And we guess, just, you know, seeing him here, made her a little…”

“Mad.” Another voice said, a deep, male one.

“Well…not mad, just…very, very sad and angry.”

“Mr. Lupin, you had not heard from her all summer?” A shrill, female voice said.

“No, well, we all tried, obviously. But she never answered.”

“Alright, well, Poppy, you healed her all nicely, yes? Good, well, I suppose we should excuse her from classes tomorrow, do you agree, Horace?”

“Absolutely, Minerva. Merlin know she needs a break.”

“I’ll take good care of her.” Madame Pomphrey sniffled.

“I know that was hard for you to do, Poppy,” Lyra-Jade heard Professor McGonagall say, “I know you are very fond of Miss. Black. Of course, you’ll still have her as your assistant this year, wont you? Despite this…event.”

“Of course I will!” She choked.

“Alright then, Mr. Lupin, you can go back to your dorm room now. And you are sure you don’t know where Mr. Black went?”

“No ma’am, I have no clue. But, Professor, couldn’t I stay-“

“No, Mr. Lupin. I know you are concerned for Miss. Black, but you have to return to your dorm.”

“But-“

“Remus,” Madame Pomphrey interrupted, “You know I’ll take good care of her. You must rest, sweetheart, especially with the moon only a week away. Go on now.”

Lyra-Jade heard him sigh and walk away.

“This isn’t good, Minerva.” Slughorn said.

“ _Obviously_ , Horace.”

Then the curtains around her bed were being slowly pulled back. She should’ve pretended to be asleep, but why would she? Three sets of eyes found hers, all laced with surprise at her awake-ness. She looked back with no emotion.

“Lyra-Jade,” Madame Pomphrey said, walking over to her bedside. She had tears in her eyes. “Darling, are…why did you…” She trailed off, unsure as to what she wanted her to say.

Because, in all honesty, she didn’t know why she did what she did. She didn’t know why she let fury consume her like a Black hole consumes stars and space matter. To herself, sometimes she compared her head to a Black hole; consuming everything good, everything bad, everything in-between, just everything around her. She often found herself stuck in her Black hole, along with all the good, all the bad, all the in-between, whatever was most prevalent in the moment., floating around.

So she didn’t answer, because she didn’t know, and also because she didn’t really want to. She recalled the time when she was small and decided she didn’t want to speak.

Maybe it was time for another phase of silence. Maybe she could just live in her head, in her Black hole, for a while. To figure things out.

So she didn’t answer their questions then, nor did she answer them in the morning, or that afternoon. Nor did she answer Remus, or James, or Peter when they came to see her. No brothers, just them. She said nothing as James cried and apologized. _What for?_ She thought, but didn’t say. And when James and Peter had left the hospital wing, leaving just her and Remus, her Moony, she didn’t say anything when he had leaned down to kiss her brow and whisper “I love you.” to her, she didn’t say a thing at all.

He left.

 _“I love you, too.”_ She thought. 

***

_“When I was young and filled with folly, I fell in love with melancholy”_


End file.
